Dear Pancreas, You’ve Failed Me

Dear pancreas, you’ve failed me!By: Erin GroveYou gave me 32 great years, but then you quit doing your job. You took the life I was comfortable with away from me. You changed me, you broke me, but most importantly you made me stronger. You made me dig deeper than I ever imagined I would have to dig. You didn’t do your job that you are intended to do, but I won’t let your broken ways define me!

November 25th 2018 my world was changed.

I was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic in DKA. Life as I knew it was over, and my new normal began. It was a blur. I was sick, I had been sick for weeks. I ignored every sign and symptom. I couldn’t handle the reality of diabetes.It was the holiday season, and I was on autopilot. I’m a mom, I love the holidays and I couldn’t think about life as a diabetic. I went through the motions for months. I checked my blood sugar often, gave corrections, and never let myself actually process what was really going on. I stayed busy, I put on a brave face and told everyone that everything is fine!

I told people that it wasn’t that bad being a diabetic.

I told people it could always be worse. Obviously it could be worse, but I was numb, I was just going through the motions. The holidays came and went, and life settled down. Once life settled down, and I wasn’t “busy” all the time I was overwhelmed with my new reality.I had my first panic attack. My first panic attack turned into multiple panic attacks. One panic attack turned into constant anxiety. Anxiety turned into overthinking. Overthinking turned into out of control emotions and thoughts. Months of dealing with crippling anxiety, and thoughts of not wanting to be alive anymore scared me. My thoughts scared me more than my diabetes scared me. It was time to take control of my life and my diabetes.

I made the decision to find a therapist. I quickly learned that I never actually accepted my diagnosis. I wanted my life to be the way it always was, so I just went through the motions of doing what I needed to do as a new diabetic, but never ACCEPTING the fact I was a diabetic.

I had to dig deep to accept it. I was alive, but grieving the life I no longer had.

I’ve come a long way in a short period of time. I’m a diabetic, but diabetes will not define me. Diabetes will NOT control me, but I will control my diabetes. To all my fellow newer diabetics, you are never alone. Give yourself grace! Find a therapist if you need to, cry, get angry, eat the cake in moderation, drink the cocktail in moderation and most importantly live your life!Diabetes you may have ruined me for a moment, but you won’t keep me down forever! Life as a diabetic isn’t easy, but my diagnosis made me stronger, made me love a little harder, makes the sweet moments in life a little sweeter. Keep fighting the good fight, my diabetic warriors!

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Published Date: Wed, 05 Aug 2020 17:42:59 +0000