4 years ago my son Landen was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I was not okay.
I went from being a happy go lucky Mom of children who were quickly becoming young men. They were old enough to handle fixing their self a bowl of cereal and it wouldn’t be long that we would be testing the waters of leaving them home alone for quick trips to the store right down the road.
Life was amazing. I was fit, positive, and life was just good.
July 27, 2016 all of that changed for me.
It was like I ran into a brick wall. It quickly surrounded me and encased me like a living tomb. I died a little the day my son was diagnosed. I couldn’t explain it. One day he was healthy, (not really I just was unaware) the next he was on a life support regimen of insulin.
I spent so many days feeling so overwhelmed wishing I could go back to simpler times. I spent so much time being angry at people who didn’t know the difference between Type 1 and Type 2.
I was always annoyed at people telling me how I could “control” his diabetes and ways to “jump start” his pancreas. Lord have mercy the stories I could tell, they probably aren’t far off from yours.
Today as I sit out on my back patio and watch my boys play I look at my son and I feel ok.
I once again am present in my life.
I have been for a while but now when my son and I talk the first thing out of my mouth is not about his diabetes, his pump, or what his number is.
Is that important? Absolutely, but it’s just not the only thing on my mind these days and I’m relieved about that.
I didn’t think this day would ever come when I didn’t feel like a dark cloud hovered over my being, but I’m here.
Do I still advocate for my child strongly, yes, but it is more of a loving advocacy instead of a fearful advocacy. My son is 13 soon to be 14 and his first thoughts are not of his diabetes either. It’s food or girls. His numbers tend to run a little higher lately but I’m learning to pick what I get angry about. I try to stay reasonable when it comes to diabetes because I don’t want him to resent it anymore than he already does.
I love that kid. Hearing him laugh and play is one of the songs of joy in my heart. I am so grateful for the technology that we have been given. I hope one day to say my son HAD Type 1 Diabetes. Until then I will do everything in my power to make sure he always has his life saving liquid, I will always remind him that he is not Diabetes (he has diabetes), and that I would give him my last breath to make sure he had one more.
To all my mamas just now starting, it feels so consuming, it feels like it will never be the same… it is and it wont, but that doesn’t mean you wont wake up every day after stronger, wiser, and better mentally and emotionally.
Don’t let anyone try to tell you it’s “just” diabetes. It was/is hard to hear that your child has an illness that they can never recover from. It is heart breaking to know that a part of their carefree childhood has been snatched away. I promise you your kid is stronger than you know. In my case he was stronger than me. He still is. It feels good to feel ok and I just want you to know it comes. Some reach it sooner than later but there is no timetable for grief. Hang in there mamas and daddies. Life will be (your new) normal soon. Keep going and keep fighting the fight and remember we’re all in this together.
With love and hope for a cure,
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Title: We’re Okay.
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Published Date: Sun, 29 Mar 2020 14:43:39 +0000